When I originally came out to my wife, it came out all wrong. I was under extreme emotional duress
and was struggling to convey who and where I was, and what I was feeling. It was a total
disaster. We struggled with the aftermath for days after that. Those days turned into weeks then
months and years. That was 12 years ago.
I've attempted to
revisit my "problem" with her a couple of times. She says, "Why do you keep
bringing this up? I thought we had settled all this?"
I know that it still hurts her ....So I've retreated back into my
little closet . But staying silent sometimes tears me
apart.
In this blog I've attempted to share some of my life experiences hoping to have some positive impact on someone, anyone, that might be in need of knowing that they aren't alone. I wanted to say to them, it gets better. In that, I feel I have failed. Mostly because in the telling my story, I've had to relate the stories of the special friends that I have lost over the years due to their fatal choices they made when they failed to cope with their life circumstances.
Life is full of choices. I made mine. In the beginning, I made them without the benefit of knowing myself fully. I didn't understand all the facets of my being. I better understand now. In most ways life is better for me but in some ways I am no closer to reconciling all my conflicting emotions than I was 12 years ago. Deep inside I'm still afraid and in some ways I still feel ashamed.
I believe that is mostly because of the way I was brought up. Recently, in society, some things have changed for the better. Although society still reeks of bigotry and bullying is still pervasive in our schools, there is a larger element of understanding today than a few years ago. Without some support, without someone to talk to about these all important inner feelings, life can be so very hard. I hoped to be there for somone that needed my help and my support. I hope that in some way I still can.
About Me
- Adon
- New England, United States
- Having been unable to break my silence about being gay or bisexual due to living in a conservative New England community, and being an active Mormon as well as being married to a wonderful woman, I will try to do so here. This is the story of parts my life, beginning when I was a young teenage boy. I have learned that being gay or bisexual can, in ways, be a lonely life. I was not actually alone, but many times it felt like I was. As a boy, I thrilled at the discoveries that I had made about my body and my physical and emotional attractions. I despaired when I realized I couldn't tell anyone. There were times when things didn't end well. There were some sad and traumatic experiences. But, there were also many joyful and wonderful life experiences that I wouldn’t have had if I had given in to discouragement along the way. I believe there is joy in living even with the challenges along the way. Be aware that I have been honest and to some degree explicit in my boyish descriptions of my budding sexual awareness. What I have written is what I felt, thought and experienced at the time. These particular posts are marked with a double star **.
8 comments:
It seems to me that you are making the best of the situation you find yourself in. I think we all wish we could relive our youth and do things differently. I can certainly relate to the 'old as dirt' statement. It seems like there just isn't time left to accomplish much.
Time is running out for what, exactly?
How would you like to see the rest of your life play out?
Adrian... I think I know how you're feeling. I must admit to a certain despair that has taken control of me over the past year in ways I never should have allowed. I'm afraid that in that respect, I have been a very poor example to others who seek hope and a way foward. I'm sorry for that.
In fact, I have spent countless hours analyzing and re- analyzing my belief system, my life strategies, and peering restlessly into my past, in an effort to understand just what happened. My remembrances have always been that- for the young people in my life, but also for me, as a way to search my life and find the meaning I once felt so strongly.
The past year has been truly difficult as my path once again veered into the shadows of the unknown, where the 'others' have hidden and probably always will.
I have sat in this chair, typing replies to broken children, crying the entire time. For them, but for myself as well. In one sense, I am ashamed that I allowed myself to fall to such lows, but my pain needs that expression or it will destroy me.
And so it goes, as the months race by and winter gives way to my desperate spring. I find myself reaching for everything that floats. A man drowning in his own sorrow.
So unlike me.
What have I done?
And then, a voice comes to me. From deep in the past. An echo of something I read time and again. I don't recognize it at first because I'm afraid that if I listen too closely, I will be disappointed. But it haunts me still and tugs at my sleeve like a little boy who needs an answer. Until I turn and take the first step. Tentatively...
"Why?" it asks. "Why have you forgotten? You have come so far."
I walk a little closer, straining to hear. "I'm afraid. There is no hope. Only hate. Pain. Intolerance. Things I thought I defeated. What will become of me? I am alone again."
For a long time there is no response, but something, a flicker of something, an awareness, still lingers and then the voice, the realization in the words that I wrote with such conviction so many times... "You are NOT alone. You never were."
And it starts to finally sink in. No matter that I have read it, or have been told by so many people- life goes on, with or without us. We have a choice. To be relevant or to hide in the shadows, bound by the chains of self doubt, until the good Lord shrugs His shoulders in disgust and calls us home.
I have always tried to do my very best. That is all that anyone can expect. Now, I will live the rest of my life without shame, reaching out until I have fulfilled my mission.
Never give up. Never give in. There is much to do.
It is all around, if you just open your eyes!
I am a good listener. If you're not afraid, there are plenty of guys who need your help... email me. luv, tman<3
I can't imagine what would have happened to me if the engagement I engaged in 20+ years ago had turned into wedlock. I was still suppressing my sexuality, and did so until about 2 years ago - all the while knowing who and what I was.
I pray that you can get over the shame - there is no shame in being who you are. And hindsight is always 20/20. Perhaps you can find a professional who can help you sort out the inner conflicts and emotions before they reach a boil.
Here's hoping you are able to find a way to reconcile the who you are with who you seem to be...if that makes any sense.
Peace <3
Jay
I agree with you that it is better now that when we were growing up, but that people still need acceptance and support as they deal with the fact that they are homosexual. One thing about blogging is that we never know all the effects of what we post. Some people may comment. Some may tell us that we helped. But others may not respond in any way, but the encouragement they find helps them to deal with life. Actually the same is true for our "real life" contacts. So don't be discouraged.
Adrian, I am just now reading your post because I havent been on my computer in several days. Please, never give up. I know that your life is hard and I want to make a suggestion to you. While I realize that you can't talk to just anyone about this because of your religion, you do need to find someone that has nothing to do with the Church, that doesn't know you in any way to talk to. I would offer myself, but I am not a professional in any way, shape or form. If you feel you can't do that, then I will do my best to help you any way I can, if only lending an ear.
I know what can happen if anyone in the church finds out and I hate that fact. If you would like to contact me, my email is cheemoko1993@yahoo.com.
Please take care of yourself, Mary
You are still here, yea! Hope you had great holidays and that you'll write more in the year ahead. Hugs, Ned
Ditto what Ned said. We want more! :)
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