I recently went back to the “old” neighborhood. Everything looked the same... but different. The houses and the street somehow looked smaller. Some of the homes had been remodeled and are more upscale than when “we” had lived there. I stood across the street from my old “home”. The emptiness and sadness in my heart returned with a vengeance. I was looking at my house and at David’s house next door. I was looking for some sign that we had been there, so many years ago. There was nothing left, absolutely nothing. This experience reminded me of why I was motivated to write this story.
When I began writing this blog, I really felt stupid. After all, what did I have to offer anyone? As I thought back on my life as a 14 year old, I remembered how lonely and lost I was. I was haunted by my realization that I liked boys. At that date and time, that was something that was totally unacceptable by everything I had been taught, directly and indirectly, by those around me. I felt it was repulsive and disgusting to everyone that was important in my life, and at times, sadly, it was to me. That is why I have remained silent all these years.
At some point, I felt that it necessary to share my story as the young teenager discovering himself. I knew that the wording was explicit as I wrote it. I would lay awake at night as I thought about what to tell and how to tell it. I wrote and rewrote much of every post. I knew that it wouldn’t be viewed by some folks with much acceptance. I was a embarrassed many times with my openness as I pressed the “publish” button….But,
I kept writing.
I wrote an introduction to my blog as I realized what the story I was writing contained. The beginning of my life’s story concerning David and me is explicit. I wrote it so, that maybe others could somehow experience the “sameness” between their lives and mine. For this I make no apologies. Somewhere out there in this world, there are other young people experiencing the same things that I did when I was 14. Maybe they are feeling the anguishing things, feeling lonely, ashamed or hopeless. I need to let them know that there is something beyond that loneliness, shame and hopelessness. I need to let them know that there is joy in living even though there are rough spots and challenges along the way. That there are wonderful life experiences that they won’t have if they give in to discouragement.
I owe it to them and I owe it to David to tell this story in the honest, open and yes, explicit way that I have.
