Still My hope

When I originally came out to my wife, it came out all wrong. I was under extreme emotional duress and was struggling to convey who and where I was, and what I was feeling. It was a total disaster. We struggled with the aftermath for days after that. Those days turned into weeks then months and years. That was 12 years ago.

I've attempted to revisit my "problem" with her a couple of times.  She says, "Why do you keep bringing this up? I thought we had settled all this?"

I know that it still hurts her ....So I've retreated back into my little closet . But staying silent sometimes tears me apart.

In this blog I've attempted to share some of my life experiences hoping to have some positive impact on someone, anyone, that might be in need of knowing that they aren't alone. I wanted to say to them, it gets better. In that, I feel I have failed. Mostly because in the telling my story, I've had to relate the stories of the special friends that I have lost over the years due to their fatal choices they made when they failed to cope with their life circumstances.

Life is full of choices. I made mine. In the beginning, I made them without the benefit of knowing myself fully. I didn't understand all the facets of my being. I better understand now. In most ways life is better for me but in some ways  I am no closer to reconciling all my conflicting emotions than I was 12 years ago. Deep inside I'm still afraid and in some ways I still feel ashamed.

I believe that is mostly because of the way I was brought up. Recently, in society, some things have changed for the better. Although society still reeks of bigotry and bullying is still pervasive in our schools, there is a larger element of understanding today than a few years ago. Without some support, without someone to talk to about these all important inner feelings, life can be so very hard. I hoped to be there for somone that needed my help and my support. I hope that in some way I still can.