I really don’t know what my parents thought of me when I was a little kid. I had some health issues early on. My mother had always said that I had “double pneumonia” when I was an infant, whatever that meant. I was the baby of the family, being the last of three children, with one brother and one sister. I was small for my age and extremely limber. My mother used to get annoyed with the family doctor because he would get sidetracked during my checkups. He enjoyed seeing how far my arms and legs could bend and rotate. He said I was double jointed.
I was extremely shy. My parents had a hard time taking me anywhere new. I hated crowded places. I was basically a home boy. I just enjoyed being at home. But it was more than that. Whenever my parents tried to take somewhere, a restaurant for instance, it turned into an ordeal for everyone concerned.
We had a couple of dogs and a cat. There were toys and books, trikes and bikes. I didn’t have any problem keeping myself occupied. That’s amazing when you think about it today. I had no computer games or dvds. We didn’t get a TV until I was eight or nine. What would today’s kids do?
Anyway, I didn’t realize until later in life, that I was different from most of the kids my age. I wasn’t one of those rough and tumble boys. For example, I used to hate going to my cousins house. My uncle was always trying to get my cousin and me to wrestle. Mainly to show my Dad what a tough kid his son was. I was having none of that. Thankfully, he eventually gave up doing that every time we visited.
I avoided any kind of group activities. My parents were concerned when I started school that it would freak me out. I didn't freak out. I did stay off to the side and watch a lot. But I basically got along fine. I enjoyed school. As I grew older I didn’t take part in sports such as Little League and basketball. I was way too small anyway. I just wasn’t interested and my parents were too busy making ends meet to take the time to encourage me to step out of my comfort zone.
When I was an adult I found out that I had inherited my Dad’s anxiety disorder. Keeping to myself when I was a kid was my way of coping with its unpleasant effects on me. As I grew, I also learned to develop close friendships with those people I was most comfortable with….like the boy next door.
About Me
- Adon
- New England, United States
- Having been unable to break my silence about being gay or bisexual due to living in a conservative New England community, and being an active Mormon as well as being married to a wonderful woman, I will try to do so here. This is the story of parts my life, beginning when I was a young teenage boy. I have learned that being gay or bisexual can, in ways, be a lonely life. I was not actually alone, but many times it felt like I was. As a boy, I thrilled at the discoveries that I had made about my body and my physical and emotional attractions. I despaired when I realized I couldn't tell anyone. There were times when things didn't end well. There were some sad and traumatic experiences. But, there were also many joyful and wonderful life experiences that I wouldn’t have had if I had given in to discouragement along the way. I believe there is joy in living even with the challenges along the way. Be aware that I have been honest and to some degree explicit in my boyish descriptions of my budding sexual awareness. What I have written is what I felt, thought and experienced at the time. These particular posts are marked with a double star **.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Chapter 1, Breaking the Silence
I am new to the blogging world. I was encouraged to begin a blog by a young friend. He seemed to being getting a lot of benefit from his blogging experience. So, after following his and some other blogs for a while, I decided to give it a try. Sadly, the same day I started work on creating my blog, he deleted his. Hopefully he will return.
My biggest obstacle in starting this blog was where to begin. Explaining my situation is difficult. It took many years to admit to myself that I am gay/bisexual. I am an active Mormon, married to a wonderful woman and the father of several children. I don’t like to categorize myself but feel I am bisexsual. I know most gay and straight men think someone who claims to be bisexual is just kidding themselves. But I feel that there are many people who are like me, who could enjoy the sexual experience with either sex. Although, generally, I am feel I am more attracted to males.
Obviously, being in this situation has been difficult. I have had to stay in the closet my whole life. A few years ago, I did get the courage to tell my wife that I had homosexual tendencies and that I felt that I was bisexual. It was the worst thing I could have done. Emotionally, it shook her to the core. She felt that our marriage of 30 years had been based on a lie. Due to her upbringing she has always had a problem with the homosexuals and she hasn’t changed any in her thinking since I told her. It has been really awkward for me whenever gay subject matter comes up. For instance television programming has taken a definite turn, injecting gay situations into their story lines. We both squirm whenever this happens. Also, her trust in me has been shaken so that I have lost some of my freedom to come and go without question. It took quite awhile for things to calm down and for life at home to be more normal. As I write this, we have never talked about it again. As far as I know, she has never told anyone. Anyway, I decided a long time ago that I had committed myself to living a heterosexual life. I have a wife and family that I love and can’t ever see living without. I have been a believing Mormon my whole adult life and feel that I want to continue to be. Of course, If anyone found out my true feelings, my whole life would be turned upside down…..So therefore, I remain ……. Forever Silent.
My biggest obstacle in starting this blog was where to begin. Explaining my situation is difficult. It took many years to admit to myself that I am gay/bisexual. I am an active Mormon, married to a wonderful woman and the father of several children. I don’t like to categorize myself but feel I am bisexsual. I know most gay and straight men think someone who claims to be bisexual is just kidding themselves. But I feel that there are many people who are like me, who could enjoy the sexual experience with either sex. Although, generally, I am feel I am more attracted to males.
Obviously, being in this situation has been difficult. I have had to stay in the closet my whole life. A few years ago, I did get the courage to tell my wife that I had homosexual tendencies and that I felt that I was bisexual. It was the worst thing I could have done. Emotionally, it shook her to the core. She felt that our marriage of 30 years had been based on a lie. Due to her upbringing she has always had a problem with the homosexuals and she hasn’t changed any in her thinking since I told her. It has been really awkward for me whenever gay subject matter comes up. For instance television programming has taken a definite turn, injecting gay situations into their story lines. We both squirm whenever this happens. Also, her trust in me has been shaken so that I have lost some of my freedom to come and go without question. It took quite awhile for things to calm down and for life at home to be more normal. As I write this, we have never talked about it again. As far as I know, she has never told anyone. Anyway, I decided a long time ago that I had committed myself to living a heterosexual life. I have a wife and family that I love and can’t ever see living without. I have been a believing Mormon my whole adult life and feel that I want to continue to be. Of course, If anyone found out my true feelings, my whole life would be turned upside down…..So therefore, I remain ……. Forever Silent.