Lost for Words

I've been away and have missed connecting with those whose blogs I enjoy keeping up with. Recently, I and other readers have noticed that many times there aren't many comments on their posts but I hope the authors  realize that so many people read and don't comment. I don't always comment but I definitely do enjoy their writing and willingness to share their stories and talents.

When I started blogging I got so much support when I wrote things that stimulated a response from gay readers. At some point some of my posts didn't create those responses. Being a gay man who is married to a straight woman, maybe they thought I wasn't gay enough to hold their interest. I realized I needed to write out my feelings whatever the response was. Eventually I got my feelings and story out of its dark hiding place and out where it might help others. Lately I haven't posted not knowing what to say now that I'm beyond that point.

I have continued to follow my old blogger friends that supported me and I have searched out new blogs that I can relate to, 45th Parallel being one of those. Many of my favorites have stopped blogging for many reasons. It is a shame that some stopped due to their blogs being discovered  and being outed before they were really prepared for the resulting maelstrom.



For some fear, shame and despair got the best of them. For those of you who are writing your stories, keep writing, for yourself as well as all those people who need to hear your story, including me....Adon

In My Dreams

As I look back on my younger years, one of the first indications that I might be gay was the appearance of gay themed dreams into my nightlife. I can place the appearance of such dreams at the age of about twelve. In the earliest dreams I was usually naked which was in total opposition to what took place in my waking hours. I was raised to be extremely modest and having these dreams was at first disquieting but at the same time, liberating. These dreams were short and I would awake in wonder at what I had just experienced. I also learned quickly that it had felt good and wished that people were allowed to do such a things openly.

After and during my experience with David, my dreams went beyond being alone in them. There was generally nothing sexually gratuitous taking place, just romantic feelings and friendship for the characters involved. I longed to experience some of what took place in my dreams in real life. But being shy and uncertain about myself, I only got to experience these feelings in dreamland. Sometimes on awakening, I would try as hard as I could to go back to sleep quickly. I so wanted to continue to have feel those feelings of love, friendship and sometimes arousal. I desired to pick up where the story of my dream was suddenly torn from my mind. Sadly, I was never successful in returning. I would try to will myself in subsequent nights to experience a similar dreams.

My dreams most always involved people of the same gender. As I grew to adulthood these dreams became less frequent but more sexually detailed and vivid. I sometimes felt guilt and shame for having these dreams. As those of you know who have followed my writings, I am a gay man in a mixed orientation marriage. I still on occasion have these dreams. I no longer feel guilt or shame but I do awake hoping that I don't talk in my sleep.

Change and Enduring Love

After decades of working for the same employers, my wife and I are retiring. We are moving to a home we purchased a few years ago which is in another state. The decision to retire came about suddenly but we knew that it would be happening in the next few years.

I am going through a lot of emotions as I prepare to make this big adjustment. I will be leaving this place, the area I grew up in. I describe it in quite some detail in previous posts of this blog. I am leaving the security of this long term employment, which, although it has had it's downside sometimes, has provided me, my wife and family with so much security and blessings over the years.

As with most small communities, I know so many of it's residents and they me.

For instance, last night I stopped into a nearby convenience store for some milk. An old friend, an auto mechanic, was at the counter buying a couple of slices of pizza.
 

I said from behind, " I thought you cooked your own meals."

He turned and said  with a big smile, "Hey! I haven't seen you in ages. I've missed seeing you."
 

"Yeah, right.", I said. "You miss working on my old junk cars."
 

"No, no, I don't miss that. But I have missed you though."
 

I was really surprised and touched by what he said. I had no idea that he enjoyed my occasional visits to his shop over the years.
 

There are so many things that have been going through my mind as I think about leaving. It's almost like a death sentence in a way. I have only a set amount of time to experience the many things that I take for granted here. I grew up and went to school here. I had many struggles and successes here. I have worked my entire adult life here. My ancestors were the first to settle this small town in the early 1700's. Most of  the experiences that I have written about on this blog were based on my life here. Every day now, I recognize how important my connections to these people and this place are to me. It's saddens me that I am leaving it all behind. Although I can come back to visit, it will never be the same.
 

The last 14 years have been fraught with anxiety in coming to terms with the knowledge, finally, that I really am and always have been, gay. I have also had such deep concern about my wife's response to my coming out to her after so many years of our marriage
.

During our  recent vacation together, we spent a short time in our new home. One a Sunday, my emotions got the better of me. It began as we sat in Church. I had been feeling that sense of profound loss. We had arrived at church early but the chapel was filling fast and we sat in an empty pew in the front. I sat there looking around, looking for some shred of familiarity.  Suddenly, I had this feeling penetrate my being that I was home. Tears came to my eyes as I felt this connection to this new place, this new home. These tender feelings of assurance continued throughout that day.
 

I have strong feelings about being guided to this place. Just like I have felt guided at other times in the past. I especially felt guided to the woman that has been so faithful to me. I also felt that there was a emotional wall between us since I came out to her those many years ago.
 

At home after church, I took my wife's hand as I broke down in tears as I tried to express to her my feelings about all of this. Especially my concerns that she had felt lied to those many years ago when I had tried to explain to her that I was bisexual or gay. (see earlier posts) For a minute or two of awkward silence she tenderly reached out to me. She then told me things that  has given hope of ever hearing, that she understands more than I had hoped and that she has accepted me for who I am. She doesn't understand it all but she loves me anyway.