No Place to Go

I didn't get to see Adon much after that initial contact in the bunker. He was a huey door gunner and I was an avionics technician. He usually worked at night and I in the daytime. Occasionally, I would get the chance to say hi in passing and that was about it.

Some time later I had gone into the gunners hooch to see a guy about a camera that I had heard he was selling. The guy wasn't there but Adon was. He was sitting on his bunk with his blond head down looking down at the floor, with what looked like a letter in his hand. I knew that he was getting "short", that is, his tour of duty in Vietnam was about over. I guessed he had about two weeks to go.

I said, "Hi Adon, you must be getting pretty short aren't you?"

"Yeah, but I don't want to go home."

This struck me as I was really looking forward to going home and was counting down the days as most of us over there did.

I responded, "Really? What's wrong?"

Adon said sadly, "When I was home last time, I got into a big fight with my father. He had found out I was a homosexual and he kicked me out of the house. I joined the Army because I had nowhere else to go. I was hoping that something would change while I've been gone but it hasn't. He dropped the letter and it slipped to the floor. I can't go back there and I have nowhere else to go. I just don't know what to do, Mouse. I wished now that I had just been killed over here."

I was shocked that he was being so open with me but moreover, I didn't like the tone of his voice, so hopeless. I didn't know what to say to him. I sat down next to him and put my arm around his shoulders like he had done to me in the bunker that night. He started crying and we just sat there while he sobbed in despair. I felt totally helpless, knowing the agony he was in and there wasn't anything I could do or say to make it go away.

I thought of my friend, David, who had fought with his father for the same reason, his having to run to his grandmother's house to escape the abuse at home.

Eventually, I had to leave him and go back to my hooch to get ready for work. I left him with a heavy heart. I had tried my best to cheer Adon up, to give him some hope, but I knew when I left him that I had accomplished little. I went back to my hooch worrying, "What can I do?" But being young and having little life experience, I had no idea.

A few days later I was getting dressed to go to the mess hall with my hoochmates. We were just talking to one another about the day ahead, joking around and doing our usual antics. Suddenly, we heard two or three shots fired in quick succession, automatic weapon's fire and really close by. We all stopped and looked at each other, waiting to see or hear what was going on. We heard the hectic running of feet and shouting voices. As my friends rushed out the door I heard someone say what sounded like, "gunners hooch".

I sat down feeling suddenly sick.

One of my friends, Joe, came back to the door and said, "One of the door gunners just shot himself with his M16. He apparently put the barrel in his mouth and pushed  the trigger."

 Joe turned around and ran off, leaving me alone as I felt the vomit rushing up my throat.