As this story begins I was 13 but very much a late bloomer. I lived in a very sheltered home where nude bodies were never seen and sex was never talked about, at least in a way that I could understand. When I saw Paul naked my eyes lit up (see my post "The little Green Tent"). How does anyone know at that age that they like boys or that they like girls? They just have these feeling that they may not understand. But having these feelings can cause some real conflict in their lives.
I struggled with these feelings that I liked boys. After all, it went against everything that I was being taught at school, in sex education and by the LDS (Mormon) Church and specially by my peers. Ironically I had just joined the church just previous to these experiences. Feelings of guilt shared space in my mind whenever I enjoyed myself with what I thought were "inappropriate" thoughts or actions. Sex was never talked about openly in my home, other than maybe something I overheard between adults like "so and so got knocked up". This realization was to be the beginning of a lifetime of conflicted feelings, confusion and guilt that I have battled ever since.
How do I feel now about being gay or bisexual? My personal feeling now is this. If "straight" boys enjoy sexual experiences and encounters with other boys, they are curious and may, to some degree, be bisexual. Society in general has made being bisexual and gay so taboo that most guys disavow these feelings. If young people have someone to talk to, someone who is accepting of their feelings whatever they may be, maybe it wouldn't take a lifetime for some of them/us to accept who we are. Even some gay men espouse that bisexual men are deluded individuals who can't admit their "true" inner preference. The suicide rate for bisexuals is staggering. The uncertainty, the lack of support from their families, churches and gay and straight friends, makes them feel alienated from everyone and totally hopeless. I hope that in telling my story and being here to talk to, I can help someone in their turmoil.
About Me
- Adon
- New England, United States
- Having been unable to break my silence about being gay or bisexual due to living in a conservative New England community, and being an active Mormon as well as being married to a wonderful woman, I will try to do so here. This is the story of parts my life, beginning when I was a young teenage boy. I have learned that being gay or bisexual can, in ways, be a lonely life. I was not actually alone, but many times it felt like I was. As a boy, I thrilled at the discoveries that I had made about my body and my physical and emotional attractions. I despaired when I realized I couldn't tell anyone. There were times when things didn't end well. There were some sad and traumatic experiences. But, there were also many joyful and wonderful life experiences that I wouldn’t have had if I had given in to discouragement along the way. I believe there is joy in living even with the challenges along the way. Be aware that I have been honest and to some degree explicit in my boyish descriptions of my budding sexual awareness. What I have written is what I felt, thought and experienced at the time. These particular posts are marked with a double star **.
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