What's in a Name?

Thank you all who read and commented on my last post. I probably am getting paranoid, but the possibility of having everything blowing up in my face, however remote, scares me.
If only...things were different. Sound familiar?
I have had thoughts about changing my profile name to protect myself. But eventually decided not to.
I chose to use this name because of a special friend that I had lost to suicide during my Vietnam experience. The name has become a part of me in so many ways. It has linked me to him in a way. It has also come to represent the gay person within me.

This blog is a secret indulgence, which has given me a voice. This has meant a lot to me, more than these simple words can express. Thank you for helping me, an older man, understand the gay inner "boy" within me. The part of me that never got the chance to grow up.

My intent when I started this blog was to try and be a support to other people, especially those younger than myself.  Those who may be struggling with being gay and how that creates so many conflicts within their lives. I just wanted them to know that they weren't alone. I had hoped that I might in some way lighten their burden, brighten their lives.  I know that all of you, well most of you, have done that for me.

Sadly, Going Deeper

Recently, my wife came into the room when I was reading a blog that I enjoy (Invictus Pilgrim) on the computer and I didn't have time to close the window. So, I just left it open hoping she wouldn't notice what I was reading. She gets very suspicious if I close a window when she comes into the room. She asked what I was I was doing and I told her I was reading a blog written by someone "like me".

My wife is a sweet loyal friend and a wonderful wife. She is also very homophobic and misinformed. This is the third time I have tried to talk with her, to try to help her to understand me better. She doesn't understand why I keep going back through "this". She thought that I had made a "choice" and had put "it" all behind me. She felt that I was looking for answers in  the wrong places and that I was doing it behind her back, which I was, sort of.  Then she wanted to know what else I was doing.



I realized over the last while that if anyone, especially someone in the church came across this blog, there was a chance that they "might" recognize the story as being mine.  I have shared edited versions of my childhood with many of them over the years.

I have decided to go deeper into the closet, back to where I came from, to be more careful. I know what some of you might be thinking. But, I can't face life without my sweet wife and I don't want to hurt her her any further than I already have. And also, my life needs to settle down.

At first I thought I might delete my blog altogether but couldn't bring myself to do it. What I have written has become important to me. Also, I've come to love and appreciate those of you that helped me to understand myself better over the last year.  I need you.

I've decided to tweak the blog some, to change my online identity, the wording of my profile, and possibly, to delete or edit some of my posts if necessary.  Although that would be like twisting a knife in my gut.

I've made a complete backup of it all so I can bring it back in it's original form if I decide to do that later on. Right now I don't want to make things worse here at home by having her find out "what else I have been doing".

So, my dear friends, be aware that I will be making some changes. I think you will know it's still me.
The face will be the same but the name might be changed.