Recently, my wife came into the room when I was reading a blog that I enjoy (Invictus Pilgrim) on the computer and I didn't have time to close the window. So, I just left it open hoping she wouldn't notice what I was reading. She gets very suspicious if I close a window when she comes into the room. She asked what I was I was doing and I told her I was reading a blog written by someone "like me".
My wife is a sweet loyal friend and a wonderful wife. She is also very homophobic and misinformed. This is the third time I have tried to talk with her, to try to help her to understand me better. She doesn't understand why I keep going back through "this". She thought that I had made a "choice" and had put "it" all behind me. She felt that I was looking for answers in the wrong places and that I was doing it behind her back, which I was, sort of. Then she wanted to know what else I was doing.
I realized over the last while that if anyone, especially someone in the church came across this blog, there was a chance that they "might" recognize the story as being mine. I have shared edited versions of my childhood with many of them over the years.
I have decided to go deeper into the closet, back to where I came from, to be more careful. I know what some of you might be thinking. But, I can't face life without my sweet wife and I don't want to hurt her her any further than I already have. And also, my life needs to settle down.
At first I thought I might delete my blog altogether but couldn't bring myself to do it. What I have written has become important to me. Also, I've come to love and appreciate those of you that helped me to understand myself better over the last year. I need you.
I've decided to tweak the blog some, to change my online identity, the wording of my profile, and possibly, to delete or edit some of my posts if necessary. Although that would be like twisting a knife in my gut.
I've made a complete backup of it all so I can bring it back in it's original form if I decide to do that later on. Right now I don't want to make things worse here at home by having her find out "what else I have been doing".
So, my dear friends, be aware that I will be making some changes. I think you will know it's still me.
The face will be the same but the name might be changed.
11 comments:
I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I wish your partner could be more open-minded and understanding. It's a shame she is so suspicious. I'm glad that having this outlet has been of some help to you. I hope the changes you make don't cause me to lose sight of you.
I hope you can find a reasonable balance between what you need and the other forces at work in your life, your wife and the church.
Good luck to you in everything you do.
Hopefully, the changes I will make will allow me to feel safer. I should have been more careful when I set up my blog in the first place. Thanks for being here for me Brian. I appreciate it.
Looking forward to the "new you". :) Appreciate all you've done here...
Adon,
Please let those of who follow you know how to find you. You've been a source of inspiration for so many, and I for one, would hate to lose touch.
I understand your need. I also think I can imagine the feelings that must be going through your head as you contemplate what you must do to protect yourself. And I definitely understand that need.
Peace, brother, and I pray that everything works out to the best for you and your loved ones.
Peace <3
Jay
I was sad to see the possibility of your removing yourself entirely. If you can find a way to protect your identity, and yet still participate, I would encourage you to do so. If you isolate yourself too much, the turmoil will increase. And it sounds like this is one of your primary, if not your sole, avenue for communication. Staying emotionally healthy requires open communication, and an outlet for the things you're experiencing. Best wishes in all your decisions.
I had to go "deeper" for a while and made my blog private. You might consider that for a while until you feel that it is "safe" to come back out.
Either way, I hope you stay around.
Best wishes, Adon. My heart goes out to you, as well as my understanding. Life is a series of choices, and sometimes we must react rather than act. It is the nature of things. I sincerely wish you well as you continue your journey.
Adon... I have been absorbed in some crisis within my family and I just saw this post.
I understand your instincts to hide yourself once again, and won't criticize your strategy. I did the same thing for SO many years...
I am not in the same situation as you, so my perspective is different. I only know that for myself, there came to be a time where my choices were hurting me, not only emotionally, but physically.
I came out, because I couldn't go on pretending.
I'll admit that I've secretly hoped that you would someday join me and many others in the light and feel the love that has surrounded you all this time, in a different way.
Never give up, Adon. Life has a peculiar way of intervening. I hope your life is as full of happiness as possible! luv, tman<3
Adrian,
I am an old widower who just found your blog. Your first concern has to be your wife and the life you have. It is NOT WRONG to go deeper. It is BS that you have to "be true to yourself" and abandon the life you have created. Cherish the life you have and take whatever steps are necessary to preserve that.
DP
I definitely understand. They are right cherish the important things in your life.
Since writing this post I have changed my mind and have reverted to my original user name. It is risky but I felt I needed to go back to ''Adon''. Thanks for hanging in there with me...
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