Chapter 13, A Strange Mormon Boy

As we traveled the last few miles, many thoughts were still going through my mind. Memories came flooding back, holidays with my family, visits to relatives, all the things I would miss as I moved on to my new life in the Army. I would miss being with my school friends and family. I would also miss my church family that had given me so much support over the last few years. I would especially miss my lost friend, David.




Back when I was 14, we received a phone call from a member of the Mormon Church. My father had answered the phone. The caller was a stranger to our family and he was doing some missionary work in the form of contacting people at random by phone. He asked my father if he knew anything about the Mormon Church and if he would be interested in finding out more. My parents had apparently been talking about religion recently and he thought to himself, “why not?” So, he agreed to have the Mormon Missionaries visit our home. When he hung up the phone, he came and told the rest of us what he had done.

We were all shocked. Mormons? Coming here? I have concluded years later that my Dad was searching for a solution to the problems within our family, with me. He was desperately trying to find a way to help his family find happiness.



It turned out that the “Missionaries” were really nice guys. They were polite and sincere. They taught my family the “discussions”, a series of lessons about the Church and it's beliefs. My family quickly became attached to the boys in suits and ties. As we learned about this Church and its beliefs about our Heavenly Father, his son Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit, I saw some changes take place in my family. I saw my Dad pray for the first time, openly asking God if what the missionaries were teaching us was true. I believe we received an answer to his prayer, that it was true. I saw my family open up to this new group of people. These people were wonderful and we quickly developed enduring friendships. A new spirit had come into our home that brightened up our lives. It was great.



Over the next few weeks, we completed the lessons and attended church meetings each Sunday. In October we decided as a family to get baptized into the Church and to make “the mighty change” in our lives that it would require. People and families don’t get religion all of a sudden without realizing that a new set of priorities are required. It was good to see the positive effect all this was having on our little family.



Personally, I was going by instinct. I was following my heart. I was following what I felt was a spiritual prompting. I felt good about the whole experience and looked forward to being a Mormon. It was exciting. I had new friends, new beliefs and a new way of life. As I look back at it now, having this positive experience right at this time most likely saved my life. This all took place when I needed it most, following the loss of my best friend, David. I had been depressed and I still felt confused and rejected at his sudden disappearance from my life. I needed this positive change in my life and I needed the new friends. As I went through the last few years of High School, I lived the life of an active, if somewhat aloof, Mormon boy. Aloof, because I still harbored a SECRET.



The confusion I had about my sexual feelings would come back to haunt me in the quiet, secret, moments “in my room”. It was during these quiet moments that the ghostly knowledge that I was attracted to boys would return, bringing with it guilt and loneliness. I didn’t realize it then, but this was just the beginning of a lifelong, secret guilt trip, a life of inner conflict.