During the next three years of high school it seemed as though I had a split personality. I was alone, I was lost, confused and I was missing my best friend. I was missing the boy I loved, my friend David. I was also missing the part of me that I had just grown to realize existed. I became more socially aloof. I spent a lot of my time alone in my room reading and occasionally “jerking off”. As I would see my reflection in the mirror, I could almost see David in the image sitting beside me. I was a lonely, little, sexually confused kid with no one to talk to or play with. I never found any other boys like me at my school. There was no way to do so without exposing yourself to ridicule and I was too shy anyway.
I had two school friends that I spent a lot of time with. They were both apparently "normal" straight boys. I enjoyed the time I would spend with them and their families and then I would return home. When I was home I would go about as though everything was ok but I knew that it wasn’t. I think my parents were aware that I wasn’t myself and were concerned for me. I spent all my time with boys and I suspect that they may have wondered why I didn’t have any interest in girls. I never went to any school activities and never had a date. They knew I was extremely shy and they tried to encourage me. They used to ask me about it once in a while but what could I say?
During my freshman year at high school I joined the Mormon church along with my sister and parents. One of the positive influences outside of my immediate family was a special adult friend that seemed to recognize that I was different and needed a someone to talk to. He was a young married leader in my branch of the church who had; it seemed to me, way to many kids. (just kidding). He was a kind, gentle man with a sincere heart and a quiet manner. I never really confided in him but I knew he was there if I needed him. Looking back maybe I probably should have.
There was also an older man my father's age, also a Mormon, who gave me employment, who showed me how to work and trusted me with his expensive equipment. he had a great sense of humor. He taught me empathy and compassion for others. He and his family filled a void in my life and even today after he is gone, his children and grandchildren are like family to me.
When I was a senior in high school, there were some choices I needed to make. First, it is customary in the Mormon Church for boys 19 and older to serve proselyting missions for the church. That would mean that I would leave home for two years to teach about the beliefs of the. church. I need to tell you that I believe that this would have been good for me. My son served a mission when he was of age and I feel it blessed him in ways that you can’t imagine. I never went. My father never encouraged me to go. I think he may have known what was going on with me but he never confronted me directly. For my part, I was terrified at the prospect of knocking on the doors of strangers to teach them what I knew to be true. I was just too shy. And knowing what I know now, I would have probably ended up in the shower with one of my companions, to return home in disgrace.
The other choice was whether or not to enlist in the military. There was a new draft being implemented, the Selective Service Act of 1967. It was a “lottery”, where you were assigned a number according to your birth date. The Selective Service was to hold a drawing in what seemed at the time, the immediate future. I just felt in my heart that I was going to be drafted in the first round. I didn’t want to be drafted into the infantry. We all knew what happened to boys in the infantry. I decided to enlist before I got drafted and have some choice about my specialized training and where I might end up. My parents were concerned but I didn’t really care at this point. I felt that I had something to prove to myself. Was I a man or not? It was more preferable to me to face death in a vicious war, than to serve a nice safe church mission with the potential shame and failure. Kind of ironic, don’t you think?
About Me
- Adon
- New England, United States
- Having been unable to break my silence about being gay or bisexual due to living in a conservative New England community, and being an active Mormon as well as being married to a wonderful woman, I will try to do so here. This is the story of parts my life, beginning when I was a young teenage boy. I have learned that being gay or bisexual can, in ways, be a lonely life. I was not actually alone, but many times it felt like I was. As a boy, I thrilled at the discoveries that I had made about my body and my physical and emotional attractions. I despaired when I realized I couldn't tell anyone. There were times when things didn't end well. There were some sad and traumatic experiences. But, there were also many joyful and wonderful life experiences that I wouldn’t have had if I had given in to discouragement along the way. I believe there is joy in living even with the challenges along the way. Be aware that I have been honest and to some degree explicit in my boyish descriptions of my budding sexual awareness. What I have written is what I felt, thought and experienced at the time. These particular posts are marked with a double star **.
5 comments:
Boy, can I ever relate to all of this post, except I was four years ahead of you.
It's so ironic that Haight Ashbury happened the same time you enlisted, Adon... I remember seeing the pictures of the free love hippies that were kind of startling, and, hearing the media's coverage of the 'summer of love'-- it was less than complementary... I also remember thinking-- it must be nice, to be so free to love whoever you want, right out in the open!! I was full of hope that society was changing, in time for me...
At the same time, I realized that there was a certain thing called 'duty' and, another called 'honor' that the movement seemed devoid of... When it evolved into just irresponsible sex and drugs, I knew my hope was gone... The one thing that could have changed my life, was pissed away by a lot of bored kids that didn't understand the potential that could have changed the country...What a shame. That's when I knew that my life would involve some service, and, that the memory of the fallen was more important than a bag of pot. Well, it's not the only reason I served, obviously, but, it did change my life, and, I remember the physical screening that I went through where at one point, we were all asked to sign some papers, swearing to certain things... The only part I remember was the area that asked about sexual orientation... I knew that if I admitted to that part of me, I was done... I would NEVER be allowed to attend the Academy... I was forced to lie, to serve my country.. I'll never forget that... It was humiliating... Especially to hear the cascade of snickers that crescendoed as each candidate reached THAT question... Have you ever engaged in homosexual acts? I remember worrying that someone saw my shaking hands as I checked the box near the answer 'no'...
There are few things in my life that made me feel worse than that. luv, tman<3
Those were definitely different times. Though I come along a decade later, I can relate with the idea of what it was like to be in a world that was so different from what it is today, particularly in the "open and out there" of being gay. It was a different time, and sometimes it is hard to imagine how much has changed in the last 40 years...
BTW, by the time I came of age, there was no draft. Fortunately, the war was over. I remember feeling grateful for those that had served, but grateful also that I didn't have to face the "lottery".
Instead, a decade later, Pres. Kimball had made it clear that EVERY worthy Young Man should serve a mission. There was only one choice for the "good Mormon boy".
I'm grateful that you served and thank you for your service to our country and for those of us who followed.
lol... wow!! I had forgotten that!! It was a very complicated time..
I come from a family full of ex-soldiers...Well, I should modify that by saying 'used to be full of ex- soldiers...' Many are gone, now... I'm trying to think of an uncle that didn't serve, and, you know, I can't think of a single one!! Geezz!! I never looked at it that way, before!! I mean, I never did a head count.
Needless to say, that also added to my sense of duty. But, the reason I'm adding a second comment has more to do with what you wrote, Adon... About the peace sign, and all...
I was driven to serve for a number of reasons... probably why nothing was going to stop me, not even the awful insult and pain I felt, signing that paper, lying, in order to serve. I never felt that I had a choice, if I would be able to live with myself, in my adult life.
Herein lies the irony-- I lied to serve, so that I could do my duty and live with myself... Then, I turned around, and lived a big portion of my life, lying about who I was... I thought, mistakenly, that I could live with that.
About 8 years ago, I was sitting in the new kitchen of a client's home... I was nearing the completion of their latest renovation (the kitchen), and, taking a mid- afternoon break... The oldest boy was home from school, and, keeping me company... I had watched him grow up, and, was more like an uncle than anything else... I attended a lot of family functions- holidays, school concerts, celebrations, etc...
Anyways, somehow we got onto the topic of service to one's country... He loved to listen to my stories (censored, of course!), so, I talked about the subject, and related it to my own experience... At one point, he asked what I thought about the guys that headed to Canada or Mexico or wherever, to escape the draft. I told him that altho the war had been controversial, that kind of behavior, in my mind, was, for the most part, a sign of selfishness and, at it's worst, pure cowardice... I also told him that there was no way I would ask some other mother's son to serve in my place, because I wasn't man enough to do it.
He was very quiet for a while... Then, he asked me if there was any excuse that would seem valid for not serving in a war that you believed was wrong... I told him, 'Absolutely.' I also told him that the person had to really believe, deep in his heart, that he wasn't using the 'illegal war argument' for selfish reasons, and, that there had been a way around actually going into combat, and exposing yourself to death... I was walking on shaky ground here, because I wasn't completely sure... I told him that it had been possible to avoid the draft by serving in the Peace Corps... Not something I ever considered, but, I understood that some guys did that...
Well, he looked at me, and he seemed kind of sad... I asked him what was bothering him... He told me that his dad had avoided the draft twice- once with a college deferment, and, the 2nd time, with another deferment for law school... He also said that his dad told him that if the deferments hadn't been available, he would have gone to Canada... hmm... {sigh}
I'm trying to find a way to live with myself for a lie about my sexuality...My form of cowardice...
I wonder how a guy like that lives with his cowardice??
luv, tman<3
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