In My Dreams

As I look back on my younger years, one of the first indications that I might be gay was the appearance of gay themed dreams into my nightlife. I can place the appearance of such dreams at the age of about twelve. In the earliest dreams I was usually naked which was in total opposition to what took place in my waking hours. I was raised to be extremely modest and having these dreams was at first disquieting but at the same time, liberating. These dreams were short and I would awake in wonder at what I had just experienced. I also learned quickly that it had felt good and wished that people were allowed to do such a things openly.

After and during my experience with David, my dreams went beyond being alone in them. There was generally nothing sexually gratuitous taking place, just romantic feelings and friendship for the characters involved. I longed to experience some of what took place in my dreams in real life. But being shy and uncertain about myself, I only got to experience these feelings in dreamland. Sometimes on awakening, I would try as hard as I could to go back to sleep quickly. I so wanted to continue to have feel those feelings of love, friendship and sometimes arousal. I desired to pick up where the story of my dream was suddenly torn from my mind. Sadly, I was never successful in returning. I would try to will myself in subsequent nights to experience a similar dreams.

My dreams most always involved people of the same gender. As I grew to adulthood these dreams became less frequent but more sexually detailed and vivid. I sometimes felt guilt and shame for having these dreams. As those of you know who have followed my writings, I am a gay man in a mixed orientation marriage. I still on occasion have these dreams. I no longer feel guilt or shame but I do awake hoping that I don't talk in my sleep.