I am new to the blogging world. I was encouraged to begin a blog by a young friend. He seemed to being getting a lot of benefit from his blogging experience. So, after following his and some other blogs for a while, I decided to give it a try. Sadly, the same day I started work on creating my blog, he deleted his. Hopefully he will return.
My biggest obstacle in starting this blog was where to begin. Explaining my situation is difficult. It took many years to admit to myself that I am gay/bisexual. I am an active Mormon, married to a wonderful woman and the father of several children. I don’t like to categorize myself but feel I am bisexsual.
I know most gay and straight men think someone who claims to be bisexual is just kidding themselves. But I feel that there are many people who are like me, who could enjoy the sexual experience with either sex. Although, generally, I am feel I am more attracted to males.
Obviously, being in this situation has been difficult. I have had to stay in the closet my whole life. A few years ago, I did get the courage to tell my wife that I had homosexual tendencies and that I felt that I was bisexual. It was the worst thing I could have done. Emotionally, it shook her to the core. She felt that our marriage of 30 years had been based on a lie. Due to her upbringing she has always had a problem with the homosexuals and she hasn’t changed any in her thinking since I told her.
It has been really awkward for me whenever gay subject matter comes up. For instance television programming has taken a definite turn, injecting gay situations into their story lines. We both squirm whenever this happens. Also, her trust in me has been shaken so that I have lost some of my freedom to come and go without question. It took quite awhile for things to calm down and for life at home to be more normal. As I write this, we have never talked about it again. As far as I know, she has never told anyone.
Anyway, I decided a long time ago that I had committed myself to living a heterosexual life. I have a wife and family that I love and can’t ever see living without. I have been a believing Mormon my whole adult life and feel that I want to continue to be. Of course, If anyone found out my true feelings, my whole life would be turned upside down…..So therefore, I remain ……. Forever Silent.
About Me
- Adon
- New England, United States
- Having been unable to break my silence about being gay or bisexual due to living in a conservative New England community, and being an active Mormon as well as being married to a wonderful woman, I will try to do so here. This is the story of parts my life, beginning when I was a young teenage boy. I have learned that being gay or bisexual can, in ways, be a lonely life. I was not actually alone, but many times it felt like I was. As a boy, I thrilled at the discoveries that I had made about my body and my physical and emotional attractions. I despaired when I realized I couldn't tell anyone. There were times when things didn't end well. There were some sad and traumatic experiences. But, there were also many joyful and wonderful life experiences that I wouldn’t have had if I had given in to discouragement along the way. I believe there is joy in living even with the challenges along the way. Be aware that I have been honest and to some degree explicit in my boyish descriptions of my budding sexual awareness. What I have written is what I felt, thought and experienced at the time. These particular posts are marked with a double star **.
5 comments:
I look forward to reading more of your story and your thoughts, so I'll be following (not stalking) you. There are similarities in our situations, as well as major differences.
The differences are that I am single, homosexual, Catholic and realized my orientation when I was sixteen. Being single is probably to a considerable extent the result of my being homosexual rather than bisexual and having realized it early enough to refrain from pursing marriage. And although we belong to different churches, both seem to have a similar teaching with respect to sexual activity between people of the same sex, namely, that it is wrong.
The similarities are the silence and, if I read you correctly, refraining from sexual activity with men. In my case the silence has not been quite as thoroughgoing as yours. I told the authorities at the monastery I sought to join, When the asked me to undertake psychotherapy to try to change, I came out to my parents, because Dad had to pay for it. When I wasn't cured after a couple of years and I was "let go" from the monastery, I told my older brother the real reason. My younger brother was away at college at the time, and I've never told him. None of my family members ever mentioned it again, except Dad. I continued the psychotherapy for several years, and eventually he decided that there was no progress to justify the ongoing expense. Much later, I disclosed my orientation to Church authorities who had a right to know, and I disclosed it to a couple of trusted colleagues at work, whom I swore to secrecy. But with those few exceptions, I have also been silent.
Welcome to blogging.
I am interested in your situation and look forward to hearing more of what you have to say. I hope telling your story here will accomplish what you want.
Welcome. As you have figured out no need to be silent here. Look around and you will find that there are many, MANY, LDS men in your situation. I'm sorry that your wife reacted so badly to your honesty. Each time we are honest about such things, we take a risk. And contrary to what TV after school specials tell us, it isn't always picnics in the park and noodle salad afterward.
I look forward to hearing more from you in the future. I have found both writing and reading blogs very helpful in living through my own little hell.
Nice to meet you Adon. I look forward to following your journey.
A bit late, but welcome to the "group". There definitely seems to be a circle here, you'll find we follow each other, support each other. Oh my God, do we support each other...for some of us, it's the only support we have in our struggles with our sexuality. Personally, I've found some amazing friends here, young and old, and it's done more than I can express to help me learn about myself, more than anything.
Well good blog, so far, and I'll get caught up ASAP!
Peace <3
Jay
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